Baby Blues

No, no, no. She couldn’t be.

Lori paced back and forth in her bathroom, hoping, wishing, praying. she looked at the little stick on the counter. There it was: the plus sign; taunting her. It was the third one she’d taken and the third one that came up positive. There was no doubt about it, she was pregnant.

She had figured something was off. Lately she was more tired and for some reason everything she ate gave her a terrible heartburn, something she never really got. Then one morning when she was taking a shower and the water had hit her breasts she had cried out in pain. She was confused as to why it hurt, but she put it out of her mind.

It wasn’t until one of her coworkers had seen her dozing at her desk that the idea popped into her head.

She leaned over and poked her awake. “Hey, Lori, wake up. Your snoring is keeping the rest of us awake.”

“Sorry, Mandy, I’m just so tired lately, I don’t know why.”

Mandy had giggled. “You and Brian been having some late night fun?”

She smiled at the memory of the last time she two had seen each other.

“Yep I’m right.” Mandy had said, noticing her smile. “Man, you are one lucky lady.”

“Nah we haven’t seen each other in a few weeks. He’s off filming.”

“So why are you so tired? You aren’t pregnant are you? Cause you know I was the same way before I had Michael.”

“Nah, I’m not.” Lori had said.

She had been positive she wasn't, and now the pregnancy test had positively proved she was wrong.

“No, no, no,” she said out loud.

Sitting down on the edge of the tub, she put her head in her hands, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. she had had it all mapped out and now it was all ruined. All her plans. At only twenty-five she wanted to wait for this. She had graduated from college and finally landed her dream job. Everything seemed to be going great, but now?

“Oh, god what am I gonna do?!” She let the tears flow. She was disappointed, mostly in herself; she thought she had been more careful.

She and Brian had been having fun. They had been dating for a while and while he was a great guy, she was afraid of how he was going to react. What if he left her? What if he told her it wasn’t his? What if he never spoke to her again? she’d be raising a baby all on her own.

Just as she was thinking about this, her phone rang, signaling a facetime message. Picking up her phone she looked to see who it was. Speak of the devil, she thought. Drying her eyes, she tried to make herself look presentable before answering. She didn’t want him to know she had been crying.

“Hey!” She answered, trying to be cheerful.

“Hey, babe, what’s up?” He said.

“Nothing much. What’s going on? How’s filming going?”

He started telling her about the movie he was working on. Brian, was always somewhere filming or doing promotional tours. The time they got to spend together was even more precious to them both, because they saw each other so little.

Listening to his voice calmed her down a little. She smiled at him and how excited he was for this movie. He always got excited about things, he was like a big kid. His ocean blue eyes lit up and his smile was like sunshine when he talked about anything he loved, including her. But will he still love me when I tell him he’s gonna be a dad? That intrusive thought crept back into her head. Will his eyes light up with excitement then?

“So yeah, that’s how everything is going here,” he said, finishing his story. Lori jumped a little, she hadn’t heard a word he said, she was so caught up in her own thoughts.

“That sounds great, baby.”

“Lori, are you okay?” His voice was filled with concern.

“Yeah, why do you ask?” she tried to sound nonchalant.

“Well, cause you have this far away look in your eyes, which are red by the way. Have you been crying? What’s going on? You know she can tell me.”

Damn him and his uncanny observational skills. He noticed any and everything. He was always acutely aware of her change in mood.

“Umm, well no, not everything is okay.”

“Is it your job, is your boss being an ass again?”

Lori let out a chuckle. “No, no. Jerry’s fine. It’s um…” she paused, not wanting to tell him like this. “You know what, I want to tell you face to face.”

“We are face to face.”

“No, I mean, in person. This isn’t an over the phone kind of conversation.”

He furrowed his brow, concern filling his face.

“Is everything okay, Lori?” he asked once again.

“Yes, Brian, honey. It’s fine. I just… I can’t tell you like this.”

He sighed. “Okay, I’ll be home in two weeks. Then we can talk.”

“Two weeks. Gotcha.”

“I really wish you’d tell me now. I…” he was cut off, someone in the background was talking to him.

“I gotta go. I’ll see you in two weeks okay?”

“‘Kay. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

The call disconnected. After a few minutes, Lori got up from the edge of the tub and went into her room, still pacing, trying to figure out how she was going to tell Brian.

She wasn't ready for a baby. She wasn't really good with kids, to be completely honest. That’s why she was waiting. Babies were so much work and they required a lot of attention. Could she handle that? Her cousins had kids that she sometimes played with, but only when they were bigger. Little babies freaked her out. They had those soft spots on their heads, and they wriggled around so much, you could easily drop one. And she balked at the idea of even changing a diaper. She liked the older kids. Those she could play with and hang out with, they could tell her what was wrong with them instead of her having to figure out what the different cries meant. There were no diapers to change or formula to make. They were easier to handle.

And then there were the expenses too. She had heard from her cousins how much it cost to have a baby: the hospital costs, doctors visits, check ups, diapers, baby clothes, baby furniture, baby food, baby formula… It was all too much. She felt the tears coming again.

Lori sat down on her bed hard and let out a sob, putting her head in her hands again. She felt something warm and a little wet on her hand. She looked up and saw Champ, Brian’s dog, staring at her, his head cocked to the side as if to ask why she was upset. Brian had let Lori watch him while he was away because he knew how much she loved Champ and how much Champ loved her. He had heard her crying. Wanting to comfort her he jumped onto her bed and licked the side of her face.

She loved Champ so much. Honestly, dogs she could do. They were easier than kids in her opinion; just let them out to poop, walk them, and feed them. That was it. And Champ was just so much fun. He was a sweet dog that liked to either sit on her or cuddle up next to her when she was asleep.

She began petting him and stroking his fur. “You know, if it was just you, I’d be totally fine, buddy. But now we’re gonna have a baby on our hands. What are we gonna do?”

She looked at Champ, knowing he couldn’t answer her, but feeling comforted that she had someone to talk to. She began spilling out all of her fears to him. To his credit, Champ was a great listener, he never interrupted and when she got too upset, he’d give her hand a lick or nudge her with his nose, as if to say “It’s okay.”

Once she finished actually saying her fears out loud, she felt better, and she had an idea of what she was going to tell Brian. Now she just had to wait two weeks to tell him. That was going to be the hardest part.

-------

Lori was in her kitchen on Friday two weeks later. Work had been exhausting, or maybe it was the baby taking all of her energy. Either way she was happy to be at home.

As soon as she got into the house, she took off her bra -- the damn thing was killing her now -- and changed into some of Brian’s sweats he had left there that she was claiming for her own now.

She was making a sandwich, hoping that it didn’t make her sick like everything else did. She hated that part. She was hungry but everything she ate either gave her ridiculous heartburn or just made her sick. It was frustrating.

“What happened to me having weird cravings like pickles and ice cream?'' She had muttered to herself one day at work when the burger and fries Mandy had bought gave her the worst heartburn, radiating from her throat down almost to her knees.

She heard the front door open. She looked up and a big smile spread across her face. There stood Brian, a sight for sore eyes. Before she could even move around the counter, Champ came bounding out of the back and jumped on him, licking his face in excitement. Lori couldn’t help but to smile at the scene as the two of them tussled on the floor for a bit.

Finally extracting himself from his excited animal, Brian got up and went to her. Wrapping her up in his big arms, giving her the hug she had so desperately needed for the past weeks. He loosened the hug and leaned down to kiss her.

“I missed you so much,” he murmured against her lips.

“I missed you too.” She stood on tiptoe and kissed him again.

He pulled back and looked at her. She smiled up at him.

“Okay, so we’re face to face now. What’s this thing I’ve had to wait two weeks to find out?”

“Oh, that…” she wiggled from his grasp.

“Yeah, that. Lori, what on earth is going on.” He asked. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been worried about this since you told me you had to tell me something.”

“I didn’t mean to make you worry, Brian.”

“So what’s up?”

“Umm, maybe we should sit.”

She led the way over to the sofa, trying to stall a bit. She had rehearsed what she was going to say to Champ over and over, but now that the time had come, she was at a loss for words.

Once she was settled on the sofa, she turned to him, and took his hands in hers. “Look, I just want to start by saying, what we have is great and I love every second of it… There’s no easy way for me to say this...”

“Wait, okay this sounds familiar. You’re not breaking up with me are you?”

He had a serious look on his face. “No, Brian, I’m not.”

“Okay. Good. Sorry to interrupt.”

“Okay, so… I… god, this is harder than I expected….”

She got up and began to pace the floor in front of the couch. Brian watched her from his seat and Champ from the chair in the corner.

Finally unable to take it anymore, Brian got up and stood in front of her, hands on her shoulders. “Lori, you’re really worrying me. What is wrong?”

She looked up into his concerned-filled eyes, and before she knew it, she was crying again. “Baby, talk to me, what’s the matter.” Brian asked, folding her into his embrace again.

“I don’t want you to hate me.” she sobbed against his chest.

“Hate you? I could never. Tell me.”

Lori took a deep, shuddering breath and then blurted it out. “I’m pregnant.”

It was so quiet in the room after that. She was still in Brian’s arms and she was afraid to look at him because she didn’t know how he would react.

He slowly pulled away and looked at her. She was surprised to see joy on his face.

“Are… are you sure?” He finally asked.

“Yeah, three tests and a doctor’s visit. I’m sure.”

He stood there for a bit, dazed. “I’m going to be a dad. Oh my god.” Then he repeated, full of excitement. “I’m going to be a dad!!”

He started walking up and down full of energy, talking about everyone he had to call to tell the good news. He stopped and looked over at her, only to realize she was still crying.

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you excited?”

“I… no, not really.”

“Why… why not? This is good news, isn’t it?”

Now comes the truly hard part, she thought.

“Yes and no,” she said. He looked confused but she powered on. “Let me explain, please.”

He sat on the sofa. “Go ahead.”

“Yes, because I’m happy that it’s you I’m having this baby with. That’s the silver lining. But no, I’m not excited to be having a baby. There’s just so much I’ve been thinking about.”

“Like what?”

“First, let me start by telling you about my parents. I know I’ve told you bits here and there, but never the full story…”

Lori began talking about her childhood in a way that she never had to anyone before. Her mother was absolutely fantastic, always there for her, from school plays to games. She was her role model and, if she could, she’d try to emulate her as a parent. But her father was a different story. While he wasn’t a bad guy (he didn’t drink or neglect or abuse her) he was hardly there. He was always traveling for work so she hardly got to see him. She loved him, sure, but that bond, the one between father and daughter, wasn’t there.

On the other hand, her mother’s brother, her Uncle David, was more of a father to her. He was the one who bought her her first bike, which he also taught her how to ride. He was the one who took her to the fifth grade father-daughter dance, even buying her corsage. He did everything for her that her father would have done, if he had been around more. She didn’t miss her dad as much because Uncle David was always there. That is until the year she turned thirteen.

David had been at work when he had a heart attack. He had been rushed to the hospital, but sadly died soon after. Leaving her without a proper male figure in her life.

She felt that her father didn’t have much of an excuse for his absences, because Uncle David worked just as much as he did but still made time for her and she wasn't even his kid.

All this was built in her fear of having a child, especially with a busy man like Brian. He was hardly in town, always running here and there. If he wasn’t filming, he was doing interviews or press tours. She didn’t want her child to grow up like she did: always wondering where their dad was. And since she was an only child, there would be no Uncle David to fill the void of an absentee father.

“So you see, I’m just worried that I’d be alone,” she finished. “I’m not saying you’d be a horrible father. I’m just worried that our kid wouldn’t see enough of you to have that bond. I never got that with my dad. Even now, I can’t seem to get close to him. I just don’t want that for our baby.”

Brian was silent for a moment, digesting all of what she had told him. He did understand her fears, truly he had the same ones. What if he was off filming or touring and missed something important like his kid’s first step or his first word? What if he missed any games or plays? Would his child hate him?

After a moment he finally said quietly “I have those same fears. I grew up in a home where my parents were always there and to think that I might not be the same for my kid scares me.”

He took a breath, “But I want she to know, Lori, that I will not be an absentee father. There’s no way I could bear to do that. I can’t promise that I will be there all the time but I will try my best to be there as much as I can.”

“And,” he said smiling, “I do have a very involved family. I know she can always call on them if you need to.”

Lori nodded her head, but she was quiet. She didn’t know what to say. Really he had given her what she wanted: reassurance. He said he would be there and from what she knew about Brian, he was always as good as his word.

“I guess there’s only one thing to do,” she said finally. “And that's to take a leap of faith. I trust you, I really do.”

Brian nodded and took her hand. “We can do this, it’s gonna take a lot of work, but we can.”

--------

THREE MONTHS LATER

Lori was in for her four month check up. Brian, for the most part, had kept his word, being there for her when he could and dispatching various members of his family when he couldn’t.

She shifted in her seat, trying to get comfortable. She hadn’t put on much weight yet, but she was still nervous. Brian’s mom, Lisa, was there with her today. She had been more excited than Brian when they both told her she was pregnant and she eagerly stepped into the role to fill Brian’s shoes when he wasn’t there.

“Are you okay?” Lisa asked, seeing she was fidgeting.

“Yeah, just nervous.”

Lisa patted her hand and gave her a comforting smile. Just then the nurse called her back.

Lori had answered all of the questions and was now laid back on the examination table waiting to do the ultrasound. Lisa had stepped out for a bit.

She winced as the nurse had squeezed the cold goo onto her belly. As she began moving the device around, Lisa came back in phone in hand.

“Someone wants to talk to you.”

Taking her phone, Lori saw that it was Brian on facetime. She smiled. He really was doing his best, she had to give him that.

“Hey, so how’s everything? What’s going on now?”

“They’re just doing the ultrasound.”

She turned the phone just in time for him to see the form of her baby on the screen. Her eyes filled with tears of joy, and she could hear Brian sniffing over the phone.

Turning the phone back to face her, she asked “Are you alright there, man?”

Brian just nodded, overcome with joy himself.

This is going to work out, she thought happily, gazing back at her baby on the screen.