Bad Dreams

It was the middle of the night when Natalie sat up quickly in bed. She struggled to untangle the sheets and comforter from around her body. She was covered in sweat but shaking, not with cold, but with fear. She took a few deep breaths to regulate her breathing, trying to focus and center herself.

“You’re home,” she murmured to herself. “You’re safe and you’re home. You are not in the cell anymore. You are safe.”

She jumped slightly when she heard a sound outside her bedroom.

“Natalie, you okay?” It was James.

“Yeah, yeah I’m good,” she called back, but the quiver in her voice gave her away.

A few more deep breaths and she felt her heart rate slow back to normal. She stood and paced her room, not wanting to go back to sleep. Not fully sure if she could get back to sleep. she went over and picked up her phone. The screen lit up and she glanced at the time: 2 am. She sighed and put the phone down in frustration.

“I’m coming in,” James said, opening the door. He took one look at her and immediately knew what was going on. “You had the dream again huh?”

Natalie nodded. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing is wrong with you.”

She had had the nightmare again; the same nightmare that had plagued her for months. She hated that it bothered her so much. It made her feel weak, and that was the last thing she wanted to feel. Natalie had been told over and over by Grant and James and Thomas that there was nothing wrong with being afraid, nothing wrong with having bad dreams. They all had them, they had told her, but she couldn’t shake the shame she felt.

It should have been one of the easiest missions she had undertaken. A simple extraction from an old Russian military base. Some old computer files that pertained to a hostile force. She just had to go in, download the files, and get out. Yeah, there were guards, but she and James had handled those quickly and easily.

Natalie had gotten the files downloaded and was on the way out when she and James were ambushed. She hadn’t seen the agents when they jumped out. She and James put up a good fight but they had knocked them both out. Luckily for them both, James had managed to send a distress signal before he was knocked out too.

It had only been a few hours, but the torture she suffered seemed to last an eternity. They tried everything to get any information out of her, but Natalie, stubborn and resilient, wouldn’t give up anything. They gave up and threw her in a dank, dark cell, all alone. There she stayed for three days worrying about her fate.

She still thank whatever god there was that James sent the distress signal. She didn’t think she could handle the torture or the sounds or the cell any longer. On the fourth day she was jolted out of a fitful sleep in her cell by a loud bang that heralded the arrival of Grant and Thomas.

They had managed to rescue them. And after a few days of recovery, she was told that she would be back to normal, at least physically. But the memory of that place, of that cell, of that torture, still haunted her, especially in her sleep. That is when she got any.

Natalie had moved in with James a few months after being back home; she couldn’t bear being alone and she felt that only he understood what she was going through. She knew that the man, once infamously known as The Executioner, had a dark past and some horrifying memories. Besides, she trusted him. He had been there with her, he knew.

“You know you can tell me,” she heard him say.

She nodded.

She watched him as he moved over to the chair in her room, turning it around to face her, he took a seat.

“Go ahead,” he said softly. “I’m here.”

Natalie opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out at first. Shaking her head, she turned to look out the window, squinting down at the street, remembering she wasn't trapped anymore. She swallowed, and took a deep breath, and tried again.

“Every night, I’m back in that cell. At night, when it’s dark, it’s see it again. I can smell it, I can hear everything,” she hung her head. “When it’s really bad, I can… I can feel the torture.”

She turned back to James. “Why can’t I forget it? Why won’t it go away?” she reached up to push away the tears that started to fall. “I just feel so hopeless. What’s wrong with me?”

He shook his head before saying again, “There’s nothing wrong with you. You went through something that was horrible, terrible, life altering, and you came out alive, but it’s left you scarred. It happens to all of us… you know I know.”

She went to sit on her bed, turning to face him. She looked into his eyes. In the glow of the streetlight from outside, she could see the haunted look in them.

“Does… does it get better?” she asked tentatively.

“Sometimes it does. You learn to live with it, but there are times… times when you remember.” He shook his head. “Those times are hard, Natalie, I won’t lie.”

She laid back on her bed, covering her eyes with her hands. “I can’t handle this.”

She felt the bed shift and moving her hands, she turned and saw James sitting next to her, looking down into her eyes. “I does get better,” he said softly.

She sat up with another sigh. She looked at him then looked away, then back at him again. There was something she wanted to say, something she wanted to ask, but she didn’t know how. She knew he was looking at her, waiting.

“What is it, Natalie? There’s something else on your mind.”

He was right, of course, but how to say it? How to bring it up?

“I just… I don’t want you to get offended.”

He nodded his head. “I won’t, we’ve been through so much together, you can say it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

Natalie chewed her lip, thinking of the best way to phrase what she wanted to say. She felt him nudge her slightly with his elbow. “Go ahead.”

She looked down at her hands, not wanting to meet his eye. “Okay, umm… I’ve always wondered… umm, what, what thing… what memory… keeps you up at night?” she stammered then added quickly looking at him. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, I’d understand. I just want to know how you bear it.”

He turned his head, staring at a spot on the wall, before he answered.

“There was one time, back before I knew you, it’s stuck with me even after all this time. I know there were some memories there. Most I could handle, but this one…” his voice trailed off.

“You, you don’t have to…” she started grabbing his hand.

“No, no it’s okay. I’ve talked to Thomas about this, he says it’s good to talk about it…” he took a deep breath and started again. “There was one time, it was a mission, a kill I had to do. It was this minor military leader, they wanted him out the way because he was getting in the way of the plans the government had. He was walking the streets with a guard. I had him in my sights, I was just waiting on the confirmation.”

He paused. “But then this kid… he ran in the way. Couldn’t have been more than fifteen. I was going to wait for him to move, but then the confirmation came. They wanted me to take the shot. The kid was right there…. I didn’t want to take it. I was under their control, but there was part of me, part of me that knew I shouldn’t do it. The guy over the radio started to scream at me. This was our one chance, they needed this guy gone. I had to take the shot, I had to do it now.”

He stopped and shook his head. “I did it, I closed my eyes and took the shot. I heard the screams. I was too afraid to look, but I had to. All I saw was a crowd of people running in all directions. From where I was I could see a body on the ground. The guy on the radio was mad. I had missed him. The first time ever. The target was gone, they had got him away. The body on the ground was the kid… I could see this woman, his mother or sister, kneeling over him, crying. I heard her screams… I still hear them sometimes.”

They both sat there, the silence stretching between them.

She finally spoke. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, Natalie. I’ve told people. Thomas knows about it. You know he’s really a good person to talk to about these things.”

She nodded, “Right because of the VA.”

“Yeah, and you should try to talk to him.”

She still had his hand in hers and he gave it a squeeze. She leaned her head on his shoulder and whispered “How do you cope with it all?”

“Time, time helps and talking about it. If you keep it all inside, it doesn’t help. I learned that. It festers and makes you bitter. You have to let it out. Plus there’s nothing wrong with being afraid.”

She snorted. “You’re not afraid, Thomas and Grant aren’t.”

“Yeah we are, we’re afraid a lot. And it’s okay. It’ll be alright. But if not, I’m here. I’m always here.”

She looked up at him, “Thank you.”

He nodded and stood up. “Try to rest, even if you don’t sleep, just rest.” He started to move to the door, before she called out to him.

“James? Can… Can you stay here with me tonight?”

He stopped, looking at her for a second. “Yeah, yeah I can.” He went and closed the door then climbed on the bed next to her.

She leaned on his shoulder again and he put his arm around her. Neither really slept that night, they stayed up talking. But for the first time, she felt herself finally relax.