What Happens Now?

“Did it break?”

“I-I’m not sure.”

“How can you not be sure!?”

“I’m checking, I’m checking… Jesus hold on!”

Lana sat back as she watched Jordan. He looked down checking and then looked back up at her with a shocked look on his face. It only took her a second to register what that look meant. She collapsed back on the bed, her hand on her forehead.

“No, no, no!”

“Okay, okay, Lana relax…”

“Relax! Jordan, how can I relax? This is serious!”

“Lana, babe, it probably means nothing, just one slip up.”

She sat up and stared at him hard. He was acting so nonchalant but she knew that this could be something serious and it was starting to annoy her.

“Jordan,” she finally said. “The condom broke. All it takes is one slip up, you know that. This isn’t something to act as if it’s no big deal.”

He sighed then scooted up to sit against the headboard next to her.

“Okay, so what happens now? What do we do?”

“Well, I guess I have to take a test, but I can’t now because it’s too early.” She put her head in her hands. “So, we wait.”

Jordan was silent for a moment, thinking.

“What- what if you are, that could be a good thing, right?”

She lifted her head to look at him. A good thing?

“Jordan, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if you’re pregnant.”

“I think it would!”

“Why?” He asked, genuinely confused.

She shook her head, not wanting to confess her fears right then. “Let’s just wait for the test, all right?”

She swung her feet off the bed and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind her and turning on the shower. She didn’t get in right away, but sat on the edge of the tub to think.

If I am, what am I gonna do? I’m not ready for this. I have too much I want to do first. She shook her head again. Now was not the time to get worried. She hadn't even taken the test yet, there was a chance she couldn’t be. She had to hold on to that hope. She heaved herself off the edge of the tub and stepped into the shower, trying to not worry anymore.

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She had waited three weeks. Yeah, she had missed her period, but then again it could be late. She was stressed out after all and she knew that affected it.

She paced up and down the bedroom, looking at her phone every few seconds to see if she had waited enough time. She sighed and went into the bathroom, where she left the test sitting on the counter - she hadn’t been able to be in the same room as it - and looked down at the little stick on the counter.

There it was, as clear as day, “pregnant” it read. She picked it up and shook it, half out of frustration and anger, half as if it would change the result, but there the word was still in the little window, staring at her. She threw it down and sat on the side of the tub in shock.

That’s where Jordan found her an hour later.

“Babe, where are you?” She heard his voice call from the living room. She didn’t respond. “Babe?” His voice came closer, he was in the bedroom now.

She didn’t look up when he popped his head in the bathroom. “There you are! What are you doing in here?”

She just shook her head, unable to speak.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, looking concerned.

She opened her mouth to answer, but no words came out. Her mouth felt dry. She cleared her throat and tried again.

“It- it’s positive.” The words came out in a whisper.

“Positive? What’s positive?” He looked around and spotted the test on the ground next to her foot.

She watched his face as understanding dawned upon it, followed by a big smile. She glared at him but he didn’t notice.

“Oh my god, this is fantastic! I’m gonna be a dad! Oh man, I gotta call mom!” He rummaged in his pocket for his phone.

“Jordan, Jordan stop,” she said as she grabbed his hand, stopping him from dialing. “I think we need to talk.”

“Talk about what?”

She took a deep breath to calm herself. “I- I don’t know if I want to have this baby right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“What I mean is, I don’t want to be a mom right now…”

“Why not? So, what are you gonna do? You’re not talkin about getting rid of it?”

She looked into his eyes that were full of distress and shook her head. She stood up and walked into the bedroom and began pacing again for a minute before speaking.

“I’m not saying that… exactly. I’m just not ready for this. I feel like I’m too young and…”

But he cut her off. “And I’m not getting any younger here, Lana! This is a good thing, don’t you see that?”

“A good thing for who? For you? I’m not ready to go through all that. I’m not ready to be a mother. I have too much I still want to do. What about my job, what about traveling?”

“You can still do that!” He argued. “You can still do all of that!”

“How!?” She practically shouted, then quieter she asked, “How can I do all that with a baby on my hip and taking up all my time and money?”

“You act as if you’re gonna be alone. I’ll be helping you.”

Lana snorted. “Jordan, you’re gone half the year working and going to conferences, how often will you be here to ‘help’ me?”

“I-I’ll just cut back on some of that.”

“Sure you will,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

“I will!” He insisted as she shook her head.

“Jordan,” she said pleadingly, wanting to make him understand. “I cannot do this right now. This, this is one of my biggest fears and now that it’s happened, I can’t see a way to get over it.”

“Lana, this isn’t something to be afraid of.”

“How can you say that? You don’t understand! To me, this is a bigger interruption of my life than it is for you. And…” she paused not wanting to voice her biggest fear of them all.

“And what, Lana?” He grabbed her hands, but she wouldn’t look at him, keeping her eyes focused on the wall behind him. “Tell me.”

“And… what if one day… you decide you-you’ve had enough,” she stammered out, still not meeting his eyes. “What if one day you decide to just leave?”

He was quiet for a long while before speaking,“How- how could you say that?” The heartbreak in his voice nearly brought her to tears. “I would never do that! I would never abandon you or our child!”

“You say that now,” she said, her voice thick with unshed tears, shaking her hands from his grip. “But who’s to say what will happen? If it takes too much of your time or your energy, what’s keeping you around?”

“Love!” He insisted vehemently. “Love is what’s gonna keep me around. Love for you and love for our child.”

She kept shaking her head, the tears finally falling. “I can’t Jordan, I can’t do this.” And before he could stop her, she stormed out of the room.

Jordan was hot on her heels. She had grabbed her purse and keys and had her hand on the door knob ready to leave, where she was going to go she had no idea. He grabbed her arm, stopping her before she walked out.

“Lana, please, let’s talk about this.”

“We already have, Jordan. I just… I need to leave for a while.” She loosened his grip on her arm and opened the door. “I’m sorry.”

She got in her car and started it, looking back at her house, she saw Jordan standing there with a sad look on his face, she didn’t see the tears though. She turned a way and backed out of the driveway and drove off.

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“Yeah, yeah mom I know I can’t force her,” Jordan was saying into his phone a couple of hours later. Lana still hadn’t turned up and he had called his mom to ask for advice. When he had told her that she was pregnant, she had been excited. Then he told her about the conversation between the two of them, and she settled down to help her son through his feelings.

“Give her some time, you have to realize what a shock this is for her,” she told him.

He sighed into the phone. “I know, I know,” he paused.

“What is it? What else happened?”

Jordan couldn’t help but let out a soft, sad chuckle, even over the phone, she knew something was wrong with him.

“Well,” he began. “She said she was worried that one day I’d get tired of all of it and just up and leave. I think it’s her biggest fear, being left alone to take care of a baby by herself.”

“I can see that,” his mom said softly, then more sternly, “you wouldn’t do that though. I raised you far better than that!”

“You did!” He told her defensively. “I would never do that! You know how long I've wanted to be a dad!”

“Okay, I know, I just had to say that.”

“I know. I know. I just don’t know what to do.”

“I can’t tell you what to do and I can’t tell you what will happen, just give her time. That’s all.”

“Okay, mom.”

“It’ll all be okay, whatever happens, it’ll be okay.”

They talked for a little while longer before hanging up. Unsure of what to do, Jordan began pacing around the house, trying to find something to occupy himself with. He tried watching TV and reading and cleaning, nothing helped. He finally decided to go find Lana. He wouldn’t pressure her, like his mother had cautioned against, but he wanted to prove to her that he’d be there for her. He collected his key and headed out to his car; thinking hard about where she might have gone.

Meanwhile, Lana had driven around for a while, no particular destination in mind. When she finally became tired of just driving around aimlessly, she drove over to the park only a few miles from her house. Getting out, she walked along one of the paths until she found a bench to sit on. She sat back and watched the people enjoying their weekend. It amazed her that there were people who were going on with their lives without this problem looming over them.

She was lost in thought when she heard a shout. She shook herself out of it just in time to see a bright blue and green ball bouncing towards her with a little girl toddling after it, her pigtails bouncing. She caught it easily.

“My ball!” The girl said to her.

Her mom ran up behind her. “Mia, that’s not nice. Ask the lady for it back.”

Mia looked up at Lana, her bright eyes shining in the sun. “May I pwease have my ball back?”

“Yes, of course, sweetheart,” she said, handing it back to her.

“Tank you!” she said with a smile, then she asked her, “Toss ball?”

“Uh, yeah sure,” Lana said, looking at her mother to see if it was okay. She nodded with a smile and Lana stood up.

Little Mia tossed the ball with all her might, sending it flying about two feet. Lana laughed and rolled it back to her, but Mia missed and toddled off after it. Next, Mia tossed it to her mom. The three played this game for a while, Lana talking to Mia’s mom while they both watched the little girl chase after the ball, until Mia stopped and pointed.

“Who that?”

Lana and her mom looked around to where she was pointing and there stood Jordan. He was watching her with a small smile on his lips.

“That’s my friend,” she told the little girl and her mom, “I’ll be right back.”

She walked toward Jordan.

“So you found me,” she said to him.

“Yeah, so I did. Look Lana, I don’t wanna pressure you into anything…”

“I know, I know. I’m just in shock about all this.”

He nodded. “I get that, maybe we could talk…” he stopped and smiled again.

“What?”

He nodded behind her and she turned and saw little Mia standing behind her, clutching her ball against her.

“Miss Lana, come back and play.”

She smiled and bent down to talk to her. “Okay, but only if my friend plays too.”

Mia looked Jordan up and down, considering him for a minute, then nodded. She then stepped back and threw the ball to him. He laughed and caught it.

“Oh, that was a good one! She could play for the Patriots with an arm like that.”

Mia giggled at his praise and watched as he tossed the ball to Lana, she caught it, then rolled it to Mia.

The game went on for another twenty minutes or so, before Mia’s mom called to her that it was time to leave.

“It was so nice meeting you both,” Lana said, shaking her mom’s hand while Mia hugged Jordan.

“It was nice meeting you too,” she said. “Come on Mia, let’s go, honey.”

Before she walked off, Mia ran over and hugged Lana tight. She lifted the little girl up and looked in her eyes. She both smiled at each other, and she felt herself relax for the first time in weeks. Mia then reached her arms around her neck and hugged her again.

“Bye, bye Miss Lana.”

She hugged her back. “Bye, bye Mia.”

She put Mia down and she ran over to her mom. She watched them walk away, her hand resting on her stomach. She then turned to Jordan.

“Let’s go talk,” she said softly.

He nodded and took her hand and steered her onto a path. She two walked hand in hand in deep conversation around the park three times until it had gotten dark.

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Lana exhaled and stretched her back, trying to alleviate some of the discomfort she felt. She readjusted the gown she had on, then swung her legs. She felt Jordan reach out and stop one of them.

“You’re fidgeting, sweetheart.”

“Well, I’m nervous.”

“Why? You’ve been here about five times already, you’d think you’d be used to this by now.”

Her reply was cut off by the door opening. In walked her doctor, a cheery middle aged lady with short cropped hair.

“All right now, Miss Lana, how are we doing this month?”

“I’m okay.”

Jordan cleared his throat loudly causing her to glare at him.

“Okay, well, I’ve been having really bad heartburn,” she confessed.

Her doctor nodded. “Yes, that will happen. I’ll give you something for that.”

The doctor laid Lana back and covered her bottom half with a sheet, then lifting the gown up over the small mound that was now her belly, she squeezed some gel onto it. Then moved the device around. Soon, on the screen, Lana and Jordan both saw the outline of her baby. She had seen it before, but the tears still came to her eyes. Yes she was still nervous, but true to his word, Jordan was right there. She felt him grab her hand and kiss it. She squeezed his back.

“Hey there,” she said to the screen softly. “I can’t wait to meet you.”